Both of my parents are alcoholics and i can’t stand it sometimes, other times i just ignore them. I havent spoken to my sisters since December, but yet i still wish family meant something to me. I love my dad more than I can explain, and i know my mom does all she can but sometimes I wish that they actually talked to me about things. It’s sad that my parents have absolutely no clue of who I am, but I should’ve made the effort. I had the closest group of friends in middle school, and I talk to about three of them now. Most of them fell to drugs and ended up dropping out of highschool, but some of them are just who I thought they would be, I miss lindsey more than anyone. She was always right there when i needed her, regardless of anything. I trusted her with everything, and then she moved and I was lost. Freshman year things went well, aside from the whole doing pills and huffing things phase.  I was stupid and felt like nothing could harm me and that I might as well do something since I dont smoke. Sophomore year I blacked out too many times to count and lost my boyfriend because of my stupidity. Sophomore year I got a new boyfriend, that wasn’t the best influence on me, i never pictured myself being with someone that did coke and sold drugs. He cheated on me just like anyone else has, but leaving him was the best thing i could have done for myself. Junior year I had the best friend, samantha, and we did everything together. She was there for my through everything and we stood together when everyone was against us. We went through the same things at the same times. When our friendship became damaged so did I, and im not sure that i’ve been the same since. I sincerely miss having a best friend, i miss being a best friend. Senior year i dealt with depression, as does everyone. Senior year i was debating suicide,and i was scaring myself with my own thoughts, I was a mess and i was dramatic. there comes a point where you can only be betrayed so many times before you fucking give up. I have had my heart ripped out so many times, i’ve been stepped on so many fucking times. There has never been a time where I havent forgiven somebody, and thats probably why people do whatever. Senior year and Im bitter, im a bitch, im cold and im hardly there. It’s senior year and im tired of hearing “im sorry”. It’s senior year and I would do anything to have my friends back. I wish things were like they used to be but they can’t be and they wont be. I have accepted the fact that i put myself through hell. I have accepted the fact that everyone lies to me and talks behind my back because they know that I wont go up to them and yell at them about it, because thats not who I am.  But through all of this, I think i know who I am. Im sane now, and I’ve got a good head on my shoulders, im going to go after my dreams, and im going to move away like i’ve always wanted to. My boyfriend is going to the marines in august and im so proud of him, but im terrified of what a long distance relationship will be like. I love him more than anything, i’ve loved him since the seventh grade and nobody will ever change that. He pushes me to do things that I dont want to, but I should do. Nobody wants us to be together, but we want to be together and thats all that matters because we wont be seeing these people in a month. I think that highschool changes people, no matter how many times they say it doesnt. High school tears people apart and challenges them to put themselves back together. If youre lucky you get help, and if youre not then youre on your own. I think that i’m still missing pieces but they’ll show up eventually, as will the rest of my hope.

I gave up a long fucking time ago.